The thing is, things have been really hard lately. The boys are out of control. A couple of weeks ago I told the social worker that, and children’s social care have finally accepted a referral for us (as opposed to post adoption support) on a safeguarding basis. Norman threatened his grandma with a hammer because she wouldn’t let him eat an entire jar of Nutella. Yesterday I had to abandon my car a couple of miles from home after picking Norman up from holiday club, because they kept undoing each other’s seatbelts while I was driving. We walked the rest of the way home while the boys screamed “f***ing b**ch” at me repeatedly and swore at passing cars. And no it’s not always so bad, but sometimes it is.
The only way I can describe it is that it’s like being in a tiny boat in the middle of the sea all by yourself in the dark. You know that the next wave will hit but you don’t know which direction from, or how big it will be, or how close together the big waves will be. Or if a seagull will hit you in the head. Or if there’s sharks around the boat that actually might kill you given the chance, because they don’t understand the consequences really. And then sometimes the water is still and you can breathe for a second, but you know that the people you care about are also somewhere on their own boats and they might be on the choppy water when you’re not.
I feel like I’m in a state of high alert the entire time just in case. Nobody in my life has ever spoken to me the way my boys do. And yet somehow I still love them more than anything. I read a thing that said that when you’re mean to children, they don’t stop loving you, they just stop loving themselves. It works both ways let me tell you.
Social services so far are all talk and no action. Trying to find someone myself who can actually help is like looking looking for a needle in a haystack. And I don’t know how or where or when it ends. I read books and articles and web pages just to try and figure out any little thing that might help, but right now nothing seems to work.