I thought it was probably about time for an update. I reread my last post, that I wrote when I was really at my lowest personally, and I’m very pleased to say that I’m not there any more! Things at home haven’t changed especially, if anything the boys are a little bit worse! But somehow, I feel more balanced and able to deal with it all. Actually “somehow” doesn’t really cover it – over the last couple of months I have increased my medication dose several times (following consultation with a doctor, obviously!) and been going to regular counselling sessions. I tried to reduce the pressure to be all things to everyone, to say no if I didn’t feel up to doing things. And while it was quite lonely at times, I feel like I’ve finally refilled my account enough to move forward. I’ve made a friend! And despite feeling a bit anxious, I’ve started feeling sociable again, I’ve started making plans, started feeling like the mountains aren’t actually mountains any more, and even if they were I’d be able to climb them anyway. So although things are far from perfect, they do feel a lot better.
We’ve been seeing a Clinical Psychologist with the boys, it only took 13 months of waiting and chasing for Social Services to organise the funding! So far we’re still in the assessment stage, which has pretty much involved answering a LOT of questions, and taking the boys to see her and play games so that she can ascertain exactly what sort of help they each need. After that, she suggests treatment plans, and then it all goes back to Social Services to apply to the Adoption Support Fund again for some more money to pay the clinical psychologist to help our children.
Hoop after hoop after hoop! You would think that it was their own personal money that they were agreeing to spend considering how difficult it is to get hold of! I should point out that none of this money ever comes anywhere near us personally, that’s between the clinical psychologist and the social worker. But we jump their hoops, and hope that things won’t take too long.
Norman has in many ways settled a lot, he seems to have matured recently. But every single morning before school, with no exceptions, he goes wild. He calls names, he hits and kicks, he refuses to put his school clothes on, refuses to eat breakfast… anything he can do to be obstructive and rude it would seem. Every. Single. Morning.
Yesterday it was so bad that Mrs S couldn’t take him to school and still get to work on time because he undid his seatbelt in the car, after having to be carried out to the car kicking and screaming. The result was that she took Marvin, and I had to walk Norman to school, making him late, and take him straight to the Learning Support Mentor for some emotional support. I’m writing this very early before anyone is up – a joyful side effect of the increased medication is decreased ability to sleep! – so we’ll see what joy this morning has in store! For some reason, getting ready and going to school seems to fill him with anxiety, which he is only able to express with physical and verbal aggression. Hopefully the clinical psychologist will be able to help us unpick it. Oh and he’s also started having night terrors! He’ll suddenly appear in the lounge an hour or two after bedtime, wide eyed, sweaty, and he’ll run around looking terrified, won’t come near Mrs S or I, and will say things like “please don’t kill me, I’m sorry”. It’s quite upsetting to see. Then suddenly he’ll just crawl into my lap and snuggle in, then within a few moments he looks baffled and gets a big smile on his face, and will skip back off up to bed! It’s generally happening a could of times a week. Watch this space!
I just don’t really know what to say about Marvin. He’s gone from a sweet, caring little boy, to a loud, rude and objectionable little tank! He’s like Jekyll and Hyde, one minute adorable, the next minute an utter monster, and he can turn on a pin! Recently he’s been aggressive, rude generally unpleasant to be around! He won’t do anything he’s asked, even if it’s something he would want to do. I seem to remember Norman going through a similar stage last year though, so I’m pinning all my hopes on it passing soon! Again, watch this space! The thing is, he can be full of hell all day, and then when I tuck him in at night, he says “love you love you really much” and snuggles on to his toy purple unicorn – Pony he calls it – or his soft bunny rabbit toy, and looks all adorable!
We’re still trying our very best here, but finally I can see a glimpse of light at the end of the very long, dark tunnel I’ve been in!